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So what if I look hot in this dress?

10/1/2011

10 Comments

 
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This post might get me shot, but it’s something I’ve been meaning to write for a while now. A few conversations and a similar post by Amy (expandoutdoors) gave me the push to put pen to paper, so here I go.

Femininity, Sexuality, and Being a Woman:

I don’t claim to have the answer to what it means to be a woman, but here is what I’ve figured out so far: I am complicated.
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In CAP - not so scary with flowers

I climb, I teach, I write, I run (sometimes), I climb big mountains, I love getting dirty and spending days in the field, and I love dresses and being looked at ‘cause I’m pretty when I wear them.

I sound balanced, right? Wrong. Internally I struggle with being taken seriously, the desire to be respected for who I am and what I can contribute, and the fact that I didn’t really value a lot of the attributes that are native to me. Growing up I saw emotions as something that would lead me astray. They should be ignored in favor of rational thought. I joined Civil Air Patrol when I was 12. There I learned to be assertive and how to make little boys cry. I valued authority and the chain of command. I felt powerful but incomplete.

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Glam shot complete w/creepu guy

I grew up and began giving in to the oh-so-strong urge to be “girly.” I cautiously added pink to my wardrobe and started smiling more. It felt good, but I also felt like I was letting myself down. Like I was being weak. To me being feminine meant being weak. This internal incongruence made me feel guilty for wanting to be me. Because of that I judged myself pretty harshly.

My moment of awakening came when I realized that my values and judgements were relative. I could change them. I could learn to accept myself - all of myself - and that would make my life a happier and more fulfilling one. Instead of weakness, femininity could be my strength. Being able to captivate people with my smile and enthusiasm is a gift, and using that gift isn’t manipulation by any means. I enjoy dressing attractively, wearing pink and letting my vast range of emotions wash over me. I also enjoy climbing, mountaineering, leading groups and debating. Not everyone is this way, and I revel in my uniqueness.

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TYK Miss June 2010

Applying this to society in general is a bit harder. I saw the new “Women of Climbing” calendar and wanted to puke. The image of a skilled female climber in tight shorts and a low cut bra being photographed from the top (better view of the goods, you know) seems to degrade her skill in the sport. Contrastingly is the ThoughtYouKnew.us project, where skilled cyclists come to be photographed as attractive pin-ups. What’s the difference?

One is to sell, the other is to empower.

Sex sells, we all know that. That’s not a healthy thing to strive for. Denying a part of us for the sake of “respect and recognition” isn’t healthy either. If I walk into a situation wearing a tiny skirt with the purpose of using it to my advantage, I’m guilty of manipulation and of “selling” myself. On the other hand, if I never wear skirts at all because I’m so worried about being taken seriously, I’m repressing a very large part of myself, and I’ll likely be an unhappy Aleya.

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"Sweaty-man.jpg"

There are some pretty strong feelings out there about being sexual and being accomplished. It almost seems as though they are mutually exclusive. Do they need to be? If a classically beautiful woman is CEO, should she downplay her beauty, or do we assume she used it to get to the top? I don’t think either view is fair. Why can’t an accomplished female athlete be photographed in a bikini one day and win a comp the next? Her body should be celebrated for being beautiful and being skilled. Some might say that she will only be seen as a sex symbol, and that it downplays her abilities. Again, that’s an extremely narrow view. Masculine sexuality, (images of sweaty ripped athletes) is rarely relegated to a corner, mainly because we associate it with power and success. Why is feminine sexuality not associated with achievement, success and confidence?


The best solution I can come up with is that we need to encourage each other to just be ourselves and to live with integrity. We need to teach little girls that it’s ok to be sweet and quiet if they want to be, or loud and outgoing if they want to be. We also need to teach them to strive for excellence in whatever they choose to pursue.

As for me, I don’t get angry when I see a woman posing with a flirty look on her face, especially when it was her choice. She feels beautiful at that moment, and I give her points for being authentic. I do have a problem with the chick on the men’s deodorant commercial who is only there to make them want to buy... but then again, that’s still her choice.

Hello, my name is Aleya. I’m a girl, and everything that comes with being a girl. Love it, I do!
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10 Comments
Stephen W. Weiss link
10/1/2011 04:06:31 am

Very interesting, eye-opening post, maybe because I am a guy. But how do women balance their sexual side, adventure side, and the success side of their lives? I think you brought up great points, especially about a successful CEO. I would say that the general populous doesn't respect a female CEO unless they are conservative in attire. Then they are viewed as a stereotypical librarian though; older, not attractive, boring/more clothes, smart. I think times are changing, but at a very slow pace. I cheers you for finding that balance yourself, and not really caring what people think; being true to yourself. Personally, I think its just easier to be a guy. ;)

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Morgs_one
10/1/2011 04:42:27 am

Thank you for writing this! It's great to feel supported! I have struggled with my femininity for the last 8 years whilst working in the outdoor industry. Trying to fit in I almost dismissed the fact I was female, always trying to compete with the guys, act like them and pretty much dress like them. It's only in the last two years that I have realised that I am a woman and it's good to be a woman, it's ok to wear pink, dress up and look beautiful. I love being woman! Now that I have accepted this I just wish my collegues and the rest of the outdoor industry would realise this! Not judge me for being a woman and acting like one!!

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Oakley link
10/1/2011 05:07:27 am

Great, thoughtful article. I can completely relate and I fully support the solution of encouraging each to be whatever the hell we want!

Acceptable looks and images for women changes. Like, pre 1950s, there was Rosie the Riveter and images of women in Yank Magazine as scrappy, spunky ladies (not to mention in real life they let us fly a few planes, yes!) and then that all dropped off and we got stuck with Marilyn Monroe as our supposed ideal and so forth.

One thing I recently have been interested in is that male images changed too - before the 1950s, sweaty muscles were actually looked down upon as working class and body building culture was relegated as something only homosexuals and transvestites participated in! Oh how the times have changed.

But it goes to show that as a culture we are always changing our agreed upon ideals, so if we demand 'cool chicks calendar' and not 'boobies climbing calendar' maybe we have a shot!

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Aleya link
10/1/2011 07:50:38 am

Thank you so much for the comments!
Stephen, in some ways I agree that it's easier to be a guy, but I've also seen men struggle with being emotional, "metrosexual," or quiet, and how they aren't "supposed" to be that way. I'd like to write more about femininity and masculinity - mainly how we have some of each in all of us. I'm more feminine, other women are more masculine. I hope some day people can choose their roles based on what they are most of, not just their gender.

Morgs_one, competing with the guys sucks! Especially since we aren't really one of them. It's not fair. I think the confidence that comes with finding yourself will give you the edge you need , and soon competition won't be an issue.

Oakley, wanna make that a kickstarter project with me?? :) I'd be interested to look into how roles and images have changed since the 1900's. Something super interesting to me is how the victorian culture gave way to flappers (woah short skirts!) and then went back to the more conservative dress of the 40's-50's. Then in the 60's came the "sexual revolution." I think in a way the 60's just repeated the 20's.

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Jill, Head Geargal link
10/2/2011 05:32:11 am

Nice article! I enjoy how these topics expand throughout our blogosphere circles.

I wonder, though - how does posing like a ditz (Ooops! I caught my skirt in the sewing machine and it's pulling my clothes off, hee hee!) "empower" a woman?

Women AND men do pose without clothes, that's true. You are correct that men can pose thusly without diminishing their abilities. That is a societal construct, no doubt.

It's unfair that women and men are seen differently when posing for pictures, but I'd love it if women athletes would stop doing these photo shoots until women athletes are taken seriously.

"Acting like a woman," "being feminine," - these are all concepts that have no discernable meaning because women can be all different things. Everything a woman does is by nature feminine, and everything a man does is by nature masculine. It's our collective perceptions of these things that are skewed.


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Aleya link
10/2/2011 05:51:08 pm

Hey Jill,

The way I read it, they are empowering women by giving them a chance to reclaim a part of them that has been lost. Through achieving "elite" athlete status, the sexy side gets shoved away. These women get to express their attractive, sexual selves for a change, rather than sport the gender neutral typical cycling garb.

I think women athletes are taken seriously. That's my point of view, though. You may have different information. I don't feel disenfranchised at all as a woman, in outdoor sports especially.

I also think "woman" and "feminine" are different. I loved your post by the way, I think it captured that point. Hopefully I'll be able to articulate what I think soon, and have the time to put it on paper.

Thanks!
Aleya

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Laurel link
10/3/2011 06:25:51 am

From what I've seen, women have more of a chance to be "sexy" (read: act in a way that is traditionally feminine) than to just be people. And this seems to be true about elite women in whatever field too. I just went looking for some articles about how whenever there's an article about women it talks about their clothes and I got one about Condoleeza Rice's dominatrix boots. Uh, weird, but I guess that one was in the fashion section...

Not that it's the same for all individuals or all situations, or that women are never taken seriously. We often are, and often without much trouble, and that's great. And it is better now than it was in the past, which is one reason I'm kind of not into this 50's retro flashback stuff..

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Larkin link
10/8/2011 07:40:35 am

Amazing post Aleya, one of your best ever.

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Tali
10/10/2011 02:25:59 am

I think for me the key is we get to choose. We can go one route, go the opposite or a bit of both, of many.

We take it for granted that we get to choose. Only a few generations ago there wasn't a choice.

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SuzRocks link
10/12/2011 04:54:57 am

You already know all my thoughts, so I just wanted to comment and say I liked this post! Thanks for telling me about it last night. :)

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