Hello 2018

I didn't write one of these posts for 2017, or 2016 for that matter. I broke my New Year's writing streat that started back when I was 14 years old. I had a good reason though. I was blissfully happy. Therefore, this year's reflection will be a recap on happiness, and what I actually think about the topic now. 

2014 I dubbed "the year of the fire." I hoped it would be big and amazing, and it was. I also discovered that I needed to basically throw myself in the fire in order to learn that it was hot. Like a small taste wouldn't have taught me the lesson I needed to learn.  Sorry, Aleya of Januray 2015, I now disagree. I wasn't a slow learner, I was a raw and abused nervous system, existing in a body that would never feel safe. Fire was, in reality, my only friend. My exit from that state came in the form of hitting rock bottom (well, I know know you can get way lower, but it didn't feel like it back then.) Turns out rock bottom is actually a great foundation from which to grow. So I found my feet and did just that. 

2015, well now, that year rocked my world. I found the love of my life December 23, 2014. He moved to Colorado in April of 2015 and last week we celebrated three years of the best relationship we've both ever been in. In fact, as I write this, he is sitting across the room singing sweet songs at me. 

We went on adventure after adventure, climbing Ancient art in Utah, camping, hiking, exploring, and getting used to unconditional love. Silly that it's something to get used to, but it is. We still have moments where we have to remind each other that it's ok to trust, to try and fail, and that we will always allow do-overs. Coming from a history of perfectionism, our challenge has been to just relax into being loved, and it's changed how I see the world. 

​I used to clean and do dishes out of fear, that I'd be rejected if I didn't. I used to do small acts of kindness, because I loved my partner, but with a hint of wanting to be "good enough" in the background. Now I do it because the person in front of me is the most important thing in my life, and I want to treat him well. Nowhere in there is a hint of fear. Not to be too cheesy, but we saw the new Star Wars last night, and a line stuck out to me: "We don't win by killing what we hate. We win by saving what we love." It's amazing how that shift in perspective, from fear to love, can set you free.

In 2015 I also, accidentally, started my practice. It's a long story, but I'm finally working for myself. This past year I've almost completely depended on it to support me. It's been the biggest growth inducing experience I've had in a while. It's challenged me to focus on what I'm good at, drop all expectations of perfection, and be very present. There were times in the last year especially that I felt like I was walking in a rainstorm, trying to find my way with a cracked compass and outdated map. I say "was" like those times are past, when in reality I'm sure they will reappear. Right now I'm riding a high of clarity, with lots of excitement for what 2018 will bring.  

2016, when my love and I had finally hit some kind of routine, almost messed the honeymoon up completely. It's ironic that when we feel safe and loved, that's when all the shit comes up. It's like my problems with my self, the wreckage of 2014 and before, were hiding like tiny gremlins until they felt the seas calm. And that's when they chose to pop up their heads. Dealing with things yourself is one thing, dealing with them while the love of your life watches is another. We both learned the definition of self care, and how NOT to be co-dependent in our relationship. I owned what was mine and let him own what was his. 

And that leads to the big lesson of 2017: Own your shit. Fear is not an option. Time is the most precious thing we have.

Woosh. 

My love left for three months this spring. It was a combination of lack of career enthusiasm, lack of self care, and though he says it's not true, it was a poor set of boundaries between us. He was left exhausted from my 2016, and suffering from a poorly planted foundation in 2015. 

​I was determined to make the most out of that time, to do my own growing. Instead I spent it wrestling with fear and the demons that thought popping up when I was alone was an even better idea than doing it while I felt safe. I learned all over again how trauma lives in our bodies, and how the way out isn't to force it to go away, but to give it the love and attention that it needed when the damage was first inflicted. That I needed when the damage was first inflicted. 

As much as my independent self hates to admit it, a major aspect of healing is in relationship. We need each other, and the isolation and division we are experiencing now as a culture is devastating our hearts. 

So what did I intend to do in 2015? Let's take a look...

1. Cultivate an attitude of humility and gratitude. I'm not hurt any more like I used to be, so I don't need to make myself bigger or better. I can finally focus outward and love people like I've always wanted.  Yeah, I think I did a good job on this. It's funny that I wrote this so long ago, and had it come up again as a deep desire for 2018 as well. 
2. Make more girl friends :) I'm off to a great start so far. - Yep! I have a few that I love, and I think I'm content.
3. Tackle Mt. Rainier! After 7 of my friends summited last year, I figure it's my turn. Right Beth? Nope, but I think 2018 or 2019 might be the year. 
4. Be honest. No more spinning things to make myself lovable. I will own the truth and my dark side and love myself first, before I expect anyone else to.  YES. I did this and it was hard, and I still did it!
5. Pick up that damn uke again :) - The uke is dead, and it's still a painful topic, so I'd rather you didn't ask.
6. Renovate an Airstream (harder than it seems). - Oh boy is this ongoing! All the progress has been documented on the instagram page. 
7. Move into an Airstream. No, cause it's not done yet.
8. Save money regularly! (Thanks to the Airstream). We DID! And we got to go to France!
9. Plan and take at least three climbing trips, one to JTree and one to Indian Creek. - Well, we did Moab and The Winds, so that's more than half!
10. Begin to appreciate mornings (Maybe I'll even stop tweeting like this...) - Heh. I give up on this one.
11. Begin building my practice in a way that is organic, sustainable and attainable. I think it's time... YES! What a journey...

And what do I intend for 2018? This might be the hardest list yet, because so much is about "being" rather than "doing." Articulating this took quite a while:

I, Aleya Littleton, do hearby resolve:

1. To learn how to budget personally and for a business.
2. To be mindful and present with my money.
3. To double down on my niche, which means climbing more personally, doing more research to develop my theory and treatment modality, and focusing my business. By doing this I'll be living more of what I believe and love. 
4. To be mindful of my time, and the methods I use to distract myself. Specifically, this will be the year of music and books.  :)
5. Take one professional development course in counseling.
6. Take one professional development course in climbing and mountaineering.
7. To be so secure in myself, that I'm able to give love to those around me. To embody the "I'm ok" perspective so that I can show others that they are "ok" too.
8. To not be a "fair weather meditator" - thanks Alicia :)
9. To find a way to delegate the things I don't enjoy and am not good at - in other words, play to my strengths.
10. To make it to the IATC conference in Australia. 
11. To make an effort with my writing. "Write a book" has been on my list since 2000 or so, and while I've done some small or silly projects, I need one of my own. This year I'll be spearheading an adventure therapy multi author book, and I aim to use that as a stepping stone experience. 
12. Finish the airstream. Yeah, I think it's reasonable now.
13. Be consistent with my own self care, and compassionate for days when I'm not doing well.
14. To take another climbing trip with my love.
15. To better learn how to love Davy, and be curious about all the things that make him tick. :)

Let's see how it goes...