This post is a bit more serious than the last yearly reflection. It might just be the place I'm in at the moment, but I hope that my look inward helps you do the same in a way that goes beyond trite resolutions and into the kind of person you want to become.
My goal for 2011 was to learn balance. Instead I ended up throwing myself farther over the edge of what I thought was possible, pushed my limits and learned more about myself in one year than I have in the last 5. Lets see what this year taught me.
This year I learned that fear is a big part of my life. Too big in fact. I'm afraid of many many things, from being alone to not using my life to its fullest. I've said a lot about being bold, about embracing life and making big changes and creating the life you want, but I haven't said much about changing myself. I've been afraid of letting go of the ways I've learned to function in this world. The things I do that keep me sane and safe emotionally, that hold my world view together, the unspoken and unconscious beliefs about myself and others - they aren't serving me well any more. They make me sad when I don't need to be, shy when I don't want to be, blind to others and self obsessed. I'm afraid of letting go though, because even though they cause me pain, there is safety and comfort in those old patterns.
I almost feel like my pride in changing my life this year is undeserved, since I've yet to conquer this bigger and darker foe. Maybe the changes I made in my life this year were just to bring me to the place where I can finally face it head on. 2012 will be about more than epic adventures, risk and hope, it will be about facing the parts of myself that are holding me back, learning to let go of certainty and find what I need within myself. You'll see my resolutions reflect that - more thoughts on the kind of person I want to become, and less on what I want to do.
Though what would a list of mine be without a few epic adventures included?
Like I always do, here is my list from last year and notes on what actually happened:
- Sew a dress. Wtf? Why did I write this? And no I didn't sew a dress.
- Climb a mountain. Yes!! 3 in fact - two CO 14ers and the Grand Teton in Wyoming!
- Visit another country. No! So many years of NOT doing this :(
- Write another book. YES! The second children's book should appear some time in 2012.
- Run a total of 365 miles in 2011. Nope. Not even close. I did hike like a maniac this summer, so fitness-wise I think it's even.
- Break the 5.11 barrier. I should have specified indoor or outdoor - though since moving to CO where the rating system is less badass than on the east coast, I have been crushing 11's.
- Play the ukulele alllll year. Not just quit if I'm frustrated or discouraged. Um... (Sorry Pat)
- Take some kind of guiding course. No, but I'm all set to do it this spring :-D
- Find another way to give, now that my $10k is gone. Nope :( Still sponsor Jocelyn in Peru, but I would like to find a place to volunteer in Boulder.
- Take time for self care each day. Did a pretty good job, with the exception of some hard times this fall.
- Learn how to practice yoga. Yep! I'm a regular in Brian's class now, with plans to incorporate yoga into other more scholarly pursuits.
- Buy a par of sexy shoes. I'm going to buy boots today! Thanks Amazon gift card!
- Learn how to use a pro video editing software. Fail. I had to give my Mac back when I quit my NASA job.
- Start The Seven Day Adventure (Oh wouldn't you like to know??) No, but that still exists, and I have an even better almost done project that will come out in January.
- Go to an OR show. No, but 2012 looks promising.
- Fix things I have broken. Not really :-/
- Eat healthier. Yes! Thank you Colorado!
- Volunteer with Honor Flight. Nope, I moved before I could do this.
Again, this year in reality was much more exciting than the list I made lead me to believe it would be. Here are a few highlights:
1. I finally went to Hawaii :)
2. I started grad school in a field I
can't wait to be part of.
3. I moved to COLORADO!
4. I own my own trad rack.
5. I work at a climbing gym in
Boulder (How the heck did that happen? Thank you Kate!)
6. I saw another shuttle launch.
7. I finished my second book.
8. I went on 3 ULTRA-road trips. (45 hours or more.)
9. I'm well on my way to being in control of my own finances (working for myself).
In 2012, I, Aleya Littleton, do hearby resolve:
1. To default to happiness. Sadness gives me comfort in a weird way. It's me taking care of myself. Instead, I'll change my belief about myself and give myself the gift of happy endorphins more often.
2. To quit being a chicken about being alone with me. I'll do this by developing a regular meditation practice (already have started) and doing more solo hiking (like I did this summer.)
3. To not lie. At all. Even if it means I lose something because of it. I deserve to be able to be my real self around other people, and I demand excellence from myself in my words and actions. I will cultivate integrity and accept responsibility for my actions, good and bad.
4. To truly value others in my words and actions, not because I want people to like me and I want things from them, but because that is what every person deserves. Each life is precious and worthy of love.
And to add more epic-ness...
5. Go to the J-Tree Tweetup!
6. Climb in Utah and Wyoming!
7. Plan a winter ascent
8. Love on my doggie more.
9. Launch the super secret project.
10. Climb a 5.12 outside
11. Call home more often.
12. Increase my monthly income by 50%.
13. Take and pass the SPI course.
14. Take another epic ultra-road trip.
15. Find a place to volunteer.
Impossible? Maybe. But with my track record, you never know :)
Happy New Year everyone,
xoxo - Aleya