F*ck Off 2020

The last New Year's post was for 2018. I can't decide if my gaps in writing are because I'm happy, or because being an adult is so incredibly complicated and the thought of distilling my year down to a measly blog post is impossible. 

2020 sucked. The end. Just kidding... all in all, this was a surprising year.

So let's start with some things from 2019. 

I feel like this was the year I got into a groove with Davy and with my business. In the spring we went to Orlando for his animation school class reunion. It was so nice to connect with his friends (many of whom have become mine as well) and just have a fun trip. We got to the point where we could afford it too! I've never had such a good time at a theme park. Their animation school (DAVE school) was at Universal Studios, so the alumni had a deep knowing of the park and guided us noobs around in the most efficient order through rides, lines and other attractions. Folks, NEVER go to amusement parks with children. And NEVER go with the inexperienced. 

​In 2019 my little brother tied the knot. He found the best partner and mother in a woman named Kate. In preparation for their nuptials and because I'm a masochist, we bought them a 1960's Shasta Compact Camper and re-did the inside, booking stops for their honeymoon in Colorado and gifting the entire thing at their wedding. I definitely had other things to do, but this project solidified my love of large projects and hatred of detailed, skilled work. 
I'm happy to announce that the result of their marriage is a happy 4 year old Ellie, and a brand spankin' new Rory, born May of 2020, and creating the best and brightest spot in the entire year. 

Professionally, I became a druggie. To clarify, my fascination with neurobiology and somatic psychotherapy came to a head and I found an amazing training and externship experience learning how to use psychedelics in therapy. This is truly the new (but 30+ years old) frontier in mental health. I got a new wardrobe, and learned how to sit with clients indoors to facilitate a new level of healing. In this job I found new friends and a new respect for my own intuition. 
I also flew (for the 5th time in 2019 - remember when we could fly?) to Austin for the Psychedelic Science Summit. What. A. Blast. No - I didn't do drugs. I did meet like-minded practitioners, and I got to visit the archive at the UofA campus and see letters from Timothy Leary and manuscripts from Kerouac - all contemporaries from the first psychedelic revolution. I rode an electric scooter to obscure bars and read the Dharma Bums under starlight with a belly full of southern food. I literally felt my world expand by millimeters and centimeters, taking in things my conservative upbringing never allowed me to consider. 

Enter 2020: Set off by a January Christmas trip home and the delight of seeing my brother's family again. I've asked for a January Christmas for years - it's cheaper and less stressful - and I finally got one. 

I think the high of traveling so much in 2018/2019 and the momentum in my professional work set expectations from 2020. I even got the TSA Pre-Screening cert to aid my path through airports. I haven't used it once this year. 
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I was scheduled to go see my dear friend in California at the end of Feb/beginning of March, when I found out that my little Butter wasn't long for this world. I turned around on the way to the airport to see him, knowing I needed to be present with her no matter how much it hurt. 

My sweet dog had been with me for my entire adult life, and as I sit here, I'm still not really sure I can write about her. What I will say in this moment, is that she was the greatest long-term relationship I've ever had. She taught me unconditional love, because she was unconditionally herself. Uncompromising is how I would describe it. She had her own mind. From the outside, and from the mouths of many ex-boyfriends, she was a bad dog. She did what she wanted, when she wanted. She challenged me (and them). I remember being in the living room with an ex while he told me exactly what I was doing wrong as her mom and trainer, and it was like Butter and I looked at each other and silently laughed. Little did they know that the long leash I gave her was to make our walks pleasant for both of us. Her staying home from brewery trips was because she didn't like being in crowds. Her barks and nosing into hugs was her way of protecting me from harm, which she saw me endure when she was little. In caring for her, I was driven by a belief that I wasn't enough. Every place I lived had a yard, for her. Every job I got had space and time to care for her. I didn't want a dog, my ex did. I took her when we split because he was mistreating her. We'd been together ever since, not as master and pet, but as compatriots - roommates - friends. She knew my moods, and I knew hers. She didn't have to change to be with me, though it took me 6 out of 15 years to figure that out. Through being with her I learned the same - I'm ok, exactly as I am.

Making the choice to say goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. ​

Davy said he would make the call for me when it was time. Initially I felt relieved. When the time actually came, I knew it had to be me. I chose her, I saved her, I cared for her,  and I had to be the one to give her that final relief. I called the vet. I'm so grateful it was before they stopped making house calls. She had pizza - the good parts, not the crust. We spent the week before taking trips to swimming pools and the park, taking photos and sitting with her while she slept in her queen's bed like a derp. 

I said goodbye to my baby on March 17th. March 17th, just days before the silence. Days before every adoptable dog was snatched up by lonely families. My grieving heart couldn't stand the silence, but couldn't fill it with noise either. IN the months after I'd wake up in the middle of the night, convinced I'd forgotten something. It was her. I still catch myself in the store thinking I need to pick up food or a treat. I still wonder if I did right by her. If I made the decision at the right time, if it should have happened sooner, or if I should have waited. In the moments after we said goodbye I cried. Wailed would be more accurate. I let out my grief for her suffering, for my loss, for her imperfect life, for my imperfect care. I still don't know really what I've learned, but that's ok. Her life and soul are deep within mine, and that takes time to sort. I'm just proud of being able to write about her now. 
​I love you, my little soul...

Come June, just a few months later, we had to move. That part was weird. I'd been in the same house for 6 years, and a early 20-something "child" purchased it and kicked us out. I don't think I've ever been so angry in my life. He made our lives hell in January while trying to install "improvements," then didn't renew our lease, during a pandemic. We were loyal tenants, but in the end that didn't mean anything. We live in a cute but drafty house now, with a housemate again. The upside is that moving was like feeling off a bandaid. It hurt, but now I don't feel attached any more. I could move to Wyoming or Scotland and not endure that same kind of pain. Home is really where the heart is, and my heart is with Davy.

This summer and fall have been full of physical and mental health ups and downs. We visited family once, before the holidays, to drop off the Shasta and feel normal again. It was like a breath of fresh air in some ways. In other ways, it was like a weight on my chest. Being an adult brings all kinds of new pain. Perhaps it's because I'm in new circumstances, or maybe it's just because the older you get the more you realize how complicated life really is. 

We bought property in Saguache County, I met my old man friend, Gill. 

I've moved my practice into a shared suite with two other clinicians. I now offer medicine assisted therapy, nutritional support, and training for my fellow therapists. 
I am so unbelievably proud of my partner, Davy, for his perseverance and tenacity. He's officially on his own now, the head of a team of 3, working with remarkable skill on a game that will launch them into the realm of influence and making people's lives better. I can't say how grateful I am for him sticking with me, through this whole year and all of the ups and downs. A long time ago I decided that a non-negotiable goal of my life would be to have a successful long term relationship. Speaking from the heart, I wanted to know someone, truly, and have them know me. Through different seasons, through challenges, through boring times, through joy and excitement - and have it last. I wanted to witness someone's life, and have my life witnessed. I've found that in my Davy.  

As we move into 2021, I have no expectations. I do, as I always will, have hopes and dreams. The last time I made these intentions, it was in a half post for 2019. Let's see how I did, and where I want to go from here...

I, Aleya Littleton, do hereby resolve to:

1. Focus on my physical health and what my body needs in order to perform correctly. Wow. How relevant. I feel like I've improved on this inch by inch. I've got my cert in nutrition for mental health, and am using what I've learned to help my clients and myself. So far it's working. I'm actually exercising (beyond hiking/climbing) on my own at home, and taking a more active role in cooking/nutrition. 
2. Get an accountant/financial adviser. Well, no. I'd still like to do this. Seems we might as we make plans to buy a house. (?!?)
3.  Take one week off per quarter to catch up on personal and professional development stuff. This means finishing courses, reading books, organizing files, documenting, etc. Didn't do this, but had it in mind the whole year as I ended up taking more time off for self care and not suffering financially at all!
4. Journal. (Not gonna say more, this has big implications and feels scary.) Kindof. Journaling is triggering and has all kinds of implications. I like my routine right now, let's leave it at that. Maybe 2021 can be the year of the blog - for business marketing purposes and for loosing these fingers.
5. Make it to the AEE conference this fall. I DID ALL THE CONFERENCES AND SPOKE AT ALL THE THINGS IN 2019 AND AS MANY IN 2020 AS I COULD!!! YAY!
6. Finish the airstream to take to Ellie and Greg's wedding this summer, then leave it on it's own piece of land out by the Sangre's and the hotsprings. (YEP!) SOOOOOOO... Didn't finish Marge, but finished the Shasta and BOUGHT PROPERTY IN THE SANGRES!!!! YEAH BABY!!!
7. Create momentum in the outdoor mental health world, helping to bring it to the mainstream. Hard to measure, but if 2018 is anything like 2019, this should be easy. Not easy, still chugging. Haven't given up! I got to be part of the founding of the AAC Grief Fund, among other things, which feels amazing!
8. Present for at least two professional gatherings, or get a public speaking gig. Weird goal, but I just need to do it. Yep. Definitely did this. Super proud of myself.​

Ok, here it goes 2021:
I, Aleya Littleton, do hearby resolve:

1. To teach. Online, in person - whatever. I want to complete my class at RRCC and learn from doing it, finish my online rock climbing therapy course, and follow that thread towards a different side of this career.
2. To travel again! We made it to Australia in 2018, 2022 is IATC Norway, but in 2021 I just need to move. Be it camping, hiking, climbing or a beach. I'd like to take two deliberate, vacation-like trips.
3. To move or have a clearer vision of where we want to live next. Housing has been awful, I'd like it to be less awful.
4. Have another intern. Did I mention I got a practicum student intern in 2020? She's amazing, and I want to do it again. 
5. Save. Get that financial advisor, learn more about money, get less afraid, level up. Coming from a poverty mindset, I'm realizing this won't be easy or feel good. I want to tackle that. 
6. I want to go to the movie theater in my PJ's.
7. I want to hug a stranger.
8. I want to be a part of a regular supervision/consult group.
9. I WILL run WildGathering in 2021. 
10. Develop the property in Moffatt so that it can be on HipCamp and we can use it comfortably. 
11. Visit my family again.
12. I also resolve to have more fun. To break out of the rut and introversion, to let my creativity thrive again. I'm already humming and singing to myself, but I want more. Like, to take up painting. 
13. Learn how to parasail. I have a friend who does it. I at least want to try it once. 
14. I will track and lean in to what my body wants: Working out, not eating or drinking something, getting more light, more vitamins, more fiber. I resolve to listen. 
15. I also resolve, and will every year, no matter what, to care for and love my partner. To grow what I know and can offer to allow him to live the best life possible. 

Let's see how it goes...