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Boldness: Reality Check

5/18/2011

5 Comments

 
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What unemployment looks like.
Today I woke up, and for the first time in 12 years, didn't have a job. I've been unemployed before, but with plans or arrangements for a new job already made. Not this time. I really don't have a job.
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Not sure what this means, but it seems to fit.
I thought I'd break convention, and instead of sleeping in and celebrating my new freedom with daytime TV and Nutella, I'd wake up early, go for a run, and meet my new life with passion and purpose.

Life never turns out the way you think it will.

Instead, today it's raining, and I'm sick. I did sleep in, but not because I wanted to or because it felt good. I slept in because I'm slightly dizzy and I can't breathe through my right nostril. Last minute things and computer backups meant I needed to make one last visit to the office today too.
So much for abrupt change. The whole leaving work thing so far has been very anticlimactic.

This weekend I had a yard sale. My mommy came down to help. I moved a bunch of small things and made some badly needed money. I still have big furniture to be rid of, but I'm making progress.

Or am I.

So far I've been writing about my new found perspective on life from a slightly skewed point of view. I was preparing myself for what was to come, rationalizing my decisions, and imagining how I'd move through the physical and emotional barriers. This week I've actually had to live what I said I'd be doing (See? Now the picture makes sense...) In no particular order, here is the insight I've gained:

1. Change Sucks.
I kept pretending that my thirst for adventure would drown out the screams of comfort and familiarity as I left them behind. Not even close. Watching my room come apart and my things leave one by one hasn't been fun. By denying how much it sucks, I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to handle things well. I actually felt guilty for feeling bad. Once I let go of that expectation and embraced how I actually felt, it was a lot easier to let it go. Choosing a different life requires change, and change sucks. Don't pretend that it doesn't.

2. Find ways to deal.
As I went through my things and realized how sentimental I was, I discovered something. The idea of a faceless person using or abusing something that I cared for and valued really bothered me. That's why I was so resistant to dropping things off at Good Will. It wasn't that I was giving it away, it's that I didn't know where it was going. A sweet woman came by on Sunday and ended up taking my desk, a big piece of furniture I was proud of and loved using. Seeing her face and talking to her as she took it away made letting go easier. Identify what's bothering you or holding you back, and then find a way to deal with it. I know that I need to sell my things, and now I know how to be ok with it.

3. Remember
I forgot so many things in the chaos of plans beginning their motion. I forgot that I'd already thought through ways to keep a comfort zone around me. I forgot the vision that I had for my summer and my future. I forgot the reasons I had for leaving. I retreated back into "normal" and resisted the process I'd initiated during saner times. Write things down! Keep a journal so you will remember! Go back and remind yourself of the progress you've made, the thoughts behind your decisions, the details of your plans, and lean on that when you have doubts.

I'm sure I have many more lessons coming as I begin to live through my dreams. If you have any lessons to make the process easier, please share them. Boldness is much more than just an attitude. It's action embodied in everything you do, think, and say. When the process gets tough, remember who you are becoming. Remember your  boldly.

5 Comments
Greg
5/18/2011 04:56:52 am

Great lessons already, and good that you are writing them down. Change does suck, if you seek to remain unchanged. Change on the scale you are doing it, i.e. everything all at once, is challenging.
But. As you work the problems and move to the next point of rest (climbing analogy), know that SEEKING change on this scale will prove to be invaluable later, because life has a way of forcing change on you, whether you choose it or not.
It may seem like you are choosing to do something hard, but really, you are teaching yourself to do what you will need to know how to do. You are preparing. Revel in it when you can.
Bon Voyage on your journey.

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Dave link
5/18/2011 06:33:00 am

I'm so proud of you for taking these bold steps! (Hope that doesn't sound condescending, it's not intended to). It's inspiring to me... I know you have the strength to do this! Good luck, and keep us all posted!

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Andy Inglis
5/18/2011 06:41:34 am

There's no doubt that change is a difficult thing for the best of us Aleya, and it's the most normal thing in the world to feel fear, uncertainty and sadness when on the brink of that change. I can relate to what you are going through, because I felt similar things when I moved transatlantic to come to the US. I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself to be positive about the move that I started to beat myself up over my own doubts and fears - a big mistake, that you have been very wise to recognise.

Was it an easy ride starting afresh? Has everything been perfect? No, but now, months down the line I'm able to look back and realise that I've met many interesting people, made new friends, and had amazing experiences that I'd never have had if I had stayed where I was. So whenever I feel down or uncertain about the future, I try to remember that thought - that in a few months I'll probably be looking back and laughing about it, and telling the story to my new friends.

Keeping a few comfort zone items in your life is also a fantastic idea. For me, one of my calming rituals is a cup of tea, no matter where I go, or what I'm doing, it brings some continuity to my life. I'm sure you have you own, and just one or two of these things will make a massive difference.

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Mark Benson (@MDBenson) link
5/18/2011 05:37:58 pm

I'm not one to usually sit down and read blog posts, I'll be honest I don't usually really find much context or value in it. I've been glued to yours since I read about your experiences with NASA and how much it inspired you.

I have found your musing over your own experiences valuable and inspiring for my mind. From your experiences I am finding strength I need to get through my own challenging times.

People with your mindset go places and do things. You already showed that at NASA. I'm sure you will continue to do so. I wish you the very best and remember, your friends are only a tweet away!

Reply
Anna Lea
5/19/2011 12:44:53 am

Hi big sister! I have no lessons for you, but I do have support. I'm always here and I love you. Your the bravest person I know, and you inspire me.
<3

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