Life never turns out the way you think it will.
Instead, today it's raining, and I'm sick. I did sleep in, but not because I wanted to or because it felt good. I slept in because I'm slightly dizzy and I can't breathe through my right nostril. Last minute things and computer backups meant I needed to make one last visit to the office today too.
So much for abrupt change. The whole leaving work thing so far has been very anticlimactic.
This weekend I had a yard sale. My mommy came down to help. I moved a bunch of small things and made some badly needed money. I still have big furniture to be rid of, but I'm making progress.
Or am I.
So far I've been writing about my new found perspective on life from a slightly skewed point of view. I was preparing myself for what was to come, rationalizing my decisions, and imagining how I'd move through the physical and emotional barriers. This week I've actually had to live what I said I'd be doing (See? Now the picture makes sense...) In no particular order, here is the insight I've gained:
1. Change Sucks.
I kept pretending that my thirst for adventure would drown out the screams of comfort and familiarity as I left them behind. Not even close. Watching my room come apart and my things leave one by one hasn't been fun. By denying how much it sucks, I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to handle things well. I actually felt guilty for feeling bad. Once I let go of that expectation and embraced how I actually felt, it was a lot easier to let it go. Choosing a different life requires change, and change sucks. Don't pretend that it doesn't.
2. Find ways to deal.
As I went through my things and realized how sentimental I was, I discovered something. The idea of a faceless person using or abusing something that I cared for and valued really bothered me. That's why I was so resistant to dropping things off at Good Will. It wasn't that I was giving it away, it's that I didn't know where it was going. A sweet woman came by on Sunday and ended up taking my desk, a big piece of furniture I was proud of and loved using. Seeing her face and talking to her as she took it away made letting go easier. Identify what's bothering you or holding you back, and then find a way to deal with it. I know that I need to sell my things, and now I know how to be ok with it.
I forgot so many things in the chaos of plans beginning their motion. I forgot that I'd already thought through ways to keep a comfort zone around me. I forgot the vision that I had for my summer and my future. I forgot the reasons I had for leaving. I retreated back into "normal" and resisted the process I'd initiated during saner times. Write things down! Keep a journal so you will remember! Go back and remind yourself of the progress you've made, the thoughts behind your decisions, the details of your plans, and lean on that when you have doubts.
I'm sure I have many more lessons coming as I begin to live through my dreams. If you have any lessons to make the process easier, please share them. Boldness is much more than just an attitude. It's action embodied in everything you do, think, and say. When the process gets tough, remember who you are becoming. Remember your boldly.