I've been looking forward to this trip since I found out that ASP would be held in Boulder in 2010. I love Colorado. I'm looking forward to meeting my twitter friends, and to spending some quality time on real rock. Mostly though I'm here to search for some peace. My life has been a bit muddy for the last several months, and I'd love to let the mountain air still those waters and give me clear vision.
I nearly gave up last week. I'm so tired of being afraid. Freedom is so vivid sometimes, I can sense what it would feel like. I KNOW what I'd be able to do and how awesome it would be, but it's just out of reach. I bailed on lead from a 5.8 in the gym last week, and I could barely do a 5.9 outside on top rope. The fear is physically painful. My back aches, my stomach rolls, my heart pounds and it's like my whole body is held by a crushing invisible force. By the time the panic fades I'm exhausted from fighting it.
But, even with all that, I WANT to fight it through it. The Climb Everest With Us prize from Champion/Hanes Brands has meant I have the resources to keep fighting. I just don't know if I can make it though. I'm tired of being defined by my fear. The freedom is so close, but I can't seem to reach it. I want to touch it while I'm in Colorado. Even if it's only for a second. I just want to know it's real. I want clarity, and I've got 10 days to find it.